Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
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*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
just got my engagement photos
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy