Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
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Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
A man of commitment.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.