HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
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Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
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BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
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Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
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I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.