HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
You Might Also Like
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
notice
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination