HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
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the clam before the storm
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
#CatsOnTwitter
nice challenge
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed