HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.