CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
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You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty