[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
You Might Also Like
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
the composer
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.