Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
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Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Mornin
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.