Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
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3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes