Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I put the mess in domestic.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.