DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
The booster protects against what, now?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.