her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
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when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?