Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument