her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?