HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
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Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”