HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
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Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?