HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Me too, bag. Me too….
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.