her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee