Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
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I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
All is fair in drunk and war.