Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
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I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex