Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Boom, boom, ching!
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
The USS B port
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Simple
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.