Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”