Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.