Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Holy crap this is wonderful
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.