HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
You Might Also Like
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?