HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
You Might Also Like
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?