her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.