Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
a public service announcement
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.