Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
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2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
being a writer on Twitter:
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.