HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
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If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.