HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
You Might Also Like
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her