Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
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Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I bet
Breakfast for Stoners:
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”