Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours