Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts