HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos