her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
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The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.