Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
That’s no pocket rocket.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.