Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows