Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
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Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure