Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
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I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.