Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?