Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me too 😆
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.