I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
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My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.