Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
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[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.