Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
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Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.