Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.