Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
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[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
You had me at “define legal”.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
me doing my best
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…