Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
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the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.