Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to